"Moments" of Truth

The followers of my journey are no doubt used to my routine by now.  As I continue to learn about what it’s like to be overweight, I share my thoughts, experiences, and “issues” via my blog – and typically find myself holding onto self depreciation to ease my own unusual self esteem deficiencies as the pounds pile up.  This isn’t one of those blog posts.  This is probably something I’ve been creeping towards for awhile, and a true “A ha” moment finally occurred.  Courtesy of my daughter, of course.

In truth, I can't really say I've been truly depressed so far during this crazy journey.  I've had moments of sadness, self-consciousness, or lack of confidence, but I can't say I've been near to shedding tears.  Until now…

Last night I was playing with my 2-year-old daughter.  After a long day of traveling and waking up at dawn, I was my own version of most of the Seven Dwarfs – Sleepy, Hungry, and Grumpy (we’ll just avoid the obvious Dopey comment and move right along).  It was her bedtime, and like any proper child, she wanted to ditch sleep and run back and forth across the kitchen floor. And as tired as I was, of course she wanted me as her running partner.  After 15 “laps” around the kitchen,  I was winded and my chafing (TMI anyone?) had started to become a problem.  Thinking twice about trying to get her to understand why chafing is a bad thing I stopped running around.  My daughter was just getting started.  It started innocent enough – cute little chants of "Daddy, run with me” filled the room.  After telling her that I was too tired, the cute chants turned into screams.  Clearly trained by her mother, she then employed the “puppy dog look”.  When her cute expression did nothing to provide me extra energy, the look turned to tears.   And beyond thinking about trying to run, or soothing her, I felt a deep disgust – at what I’d become.  At what I was losing as a result of what I’d been gaining in weight.

Now I know this is different for me than it is for others.  I will have to get back in shape and this is all part of a journey that I'm documenting through this website, but the emotion is still real.  I think others that are overweight must have similar "moments".  While I’ve personally experienced those individuals saying “enough is enough” and shedding the pounds, what makes me most sad is knowing there are people that feel they can’t/won’t change, and accept what they may lose due to their current lifestyle.  For me, it's so foreign to have "moments" like this.  Without this journey, I wouldn’t be overweight.  But through being overweight, I’ve started to discover that as much as this is an opportunity to help others, its an equal opportunity for me to become a better husband, son, sibling, friend, father, and, well…a better me.

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